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Sunday, October 23, 2011


I wish I hated my husband.  Then I could leave my kids with him and go do whatever the hell I wanted.  Not worry about what he thought or his opinions about my life.  I could have extra-curricular "activities" and the smile in his face the next morning like I wasn't guilty of betraying him.  I could dance and drink and party for days and never worry if the idea of me being with some one else, or being too drunk to care for myself, made him sick.  I wish I hated my husband.

I wish I was stupid or gullible.  Then when I did make a mistake I wouldn't feel bad about it later...  I could just feign ignorance.  I could say exactly what I thought of someone, when I thought it and not edit a thing that came to my mind.  I could also be a push over and believe everything that came out of a liar's mouth.  I wish I was stupid or gullible.

I wish I didn't love my kids.  Then I could walk around, free of responsibility for their health and happiness.  I could sleep through the night when they weren't feeling well, instead of getting up 50 times a night to check their breathing or their temperature.  I wouldn't have to make sure that they did their homework and behaved in school.  Hell, I could just act like I never had them and pawn them off on every person I knew so I could have a good time every weekend.  I wish I didn't love my kids.

I wish I wasn't strong will and opinionated.  Then I could just be a sheep.  I could listen to everyone else's beliefs and not have to fight for what I believed in.  I could always take the easy out and not make any decisions that might go against the grain.  I could let people run all over me and never have to stand up for myself which is way easier than taking up for yourself.  I wish I wasn't strong willed and opinionated.

I wish I didn't worry about my family's opinion of me.  Then it wouldn't upset me when they told me I cussed too much and I could run around saying Fuck as much as I wanted.  I wouldn't have to clean my house before they came over.  I wouldn't have to feel like I failed for my house not being spotless.  I wouldn't think about quitting smoking.  God knows I hear that enough!  I wish I didn't worry about my family's opinion of me.

I wish I hated my husband, I wish I was stupid or gullible, I wish I didn't love My kids, I wish I wasn't strong willed or opinionated, and I wish I didn't worry about my family's opinion of me....  This I could skip the whole happily married thing...  I could live a completely selfish and unfulfilled life...  I could never know joy, or unconditional love...  I would never even have needed to live....

Monday, September 26, 2011

Morning's light

I sigh in the silence blissfully
steam from my coffee flying.
The quiet echos beautifully
Night is slowly dying.

Peace bounces off the new suns rays
Orange, magenta, purple, azure...
The plants reflect new mornings haze
The coming day remains unsure.

Soon my babes will arise
with smiles and golden hair,
a new dawn in their eyes.
Their radiance will pulse and flare

I will nurture them on
and watch as their minds expand.
"Don't be life's pawn,
Your hold it in your own hand."

In the mornings gentle grace.
I think of my loves smile.
His tenderness, his face.
To hold him, it's been a while.

I raise up from my seat
To begin the new, lovely day.
I stand strong on my feet
and there I will stay.

Till the night comes with its own turn
and darkness wraps around me.
Till my dreams bubble and churn
and I awake to a new sun to see....

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Instant Gratification

You know when people say, "God must have a fucked up sense of humor."?  Well today, I think God does have a fucked up sense of humor.  Now don't take this the wrong way... Tomorrow, I'll wake up and think he's just fine.  But my faith in Him is constantly tested.  And today, for whatever reason, I'm in one of those moods. 

I am a people watcher.  I can't help it and have always been that way.  And I sit back a watch, and I SWEAR it seems like the fucked up assholes of this beautiful and equally  horrible world get all the luck.  People with bad ju-ju oozing out their pores, living forever in good health.  People concerned only about themselves, getting everything they want without raising a pinky!  I think if God was all knowing, and loving and caring of the race he made, he would be "nicer" to the people who were good and let the Devil have the bad ones. 

I like instant gratification, I don't want to wait for "salvation"  or "heaven" to see that the suck-tastic people aren't there, and therefor in hell.  I want to see child molesters, rapists, and murders, get cancer and fight for their lives until the last painful breathe is squeezed from their frail, tired bodies.  Not the woman who has two children and husband, who is ethical, and loving, and God-fearing....  I want to see greedy, selfish bastards, fall on their faces, and loose their businesses and homes.  Not the man who busts his balls off, day in and day out, over and over and over again to provide for his family.

So today, I choose to be angry with God.  C'mon Almighty, why don't you help the good people out today instead of the coke dealers in Mexico who successfully smuggle millions of pounds of drugs over the boarder a year?  It'll make you feel better about yourself. 

So today, I choose to hate on those mother fuckers...  The useless men and women sucking up and using my good, clean oxygen.  Go kill you self or something...  At least THEN you'd be doing something useful.

So today, I choose to be mad. 

Monday, September 12, 2011

At home remedies

Ok, I'll say it...  I'm a hippie.  But I'm also broke, there for I love at home remedies!!!  I know a billion and five and use them all often.  I decided to write up some I have used and know work, for ya'll.  Please if you know of any that I might like, let me know.  Despite what the doctor says, I do NOT need a pill to fix EVERYTHING!!!

Upset tummy:  This includes mild heart burn.  Mint!  If I get a belly ache, or an unsettled stomach I'll suck on a mint.  If it's really getting to me, I'll eat a large York Peppermint Patty.  The upset belly is gone almost instantly!  One of my favorite things to do when my kiddos have upset tummy's is make lemonade and put a little peppermint in it.  (either by extract or shredded mint leaves)  They love it and it settles their belly's as they drink it.

Pink Eye:  Johnson's and Johnson's No Tears Baby Shampoo will clear up pink eye (and prevent the rest of your family from getting it) in 2-3 days.  Now this doesn't work for all cases.  Bacterial Pink Eye will not be cured by this.  Most Pink Eye is caused by dirt, feces, and other foreign bodies entering the eye and changing the pH levels in the eye.  And, low and behold, the shampoo has perfect pH.  You can apply two ways.  3 oz of water and 3 drops of shampoo mixed up and dropped into the eyes, 2-3 times a day.  Or you can take a nose sucker (I have no clue what they really called) fill the inside up with water and drop 1 drop of the shampoo down into the water, shake the bulb, and spray (gently) into the eyes.

****Ok boys.  This is a WARNING.  This is about "girl" stuff and may gross you the eff out, so to continue reading, skip this next paragraph****

Yeast Infections:  Believe it or not.  MOST yeast infections can be cleared up with Garlic.  You can take garlic pills (found in most grocery stores or pharmacy's) dissolve 3 into a cup of water and douche with the garlic water once a day for 3 days.  That will get rid of it.  Also, you can do this once a week to prevent them, if you are getting the infections often. 

High Blood Pressure:  These are tips to help with the high bp.  It does NOT cure anything and if your blood pressure is high you should always talk to a doctor first.  But to keep mine from shooting up here and there due to stress and other things, and protect my heart as much as I can, I take fish oil pills daily.  Fish oil has been proven to assist with a lot of problems with the heart, as well as help you prevent yourself from ever getting them.

Also, water helps a bunch.  The more you pee, the better.  Every time you need to urinate your blood pressure shoots up, and afterwards it'll fall.

Oily face/acne:  Make your own face mask, using a table spoon of sugar, an egg white, a dab of toothpaste, and lemon juice from half a lemon, mix and, Taa-daaa!.  The sugar exfoliates the skin, the egg white has 2 positives.  A. It dries and that makes the mask, a "mask" and B. It also has a drying agent in it, helping dry extra oil up on your face.  The menthol in the toothpaste opens you pores and the lemon juice sucks your face dry of oil and toxins.  Use daily until the pimples/problem is cleared up and then use at least once a week to maintain the pretty skin.  If you have dry skin and acne you can also use this, by just lowering down on the acidy fruit.  Instead of a lemon, use a strawberrie or two.  Let me just add...  I have seen this work on terrible cases of acne.  Doctors, and Proactive....  None of that stuff worked.  But my mask sure did :)

Ok, my hands are starting to hurt and I have to clean, so that's all I got for today.  But I'll continue to do other blogs like this if any one is interested. 

All I can say is they work, and this self proclaimed hippie, loves these remedies!

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Life as of Now (9-11-11)

Lets see it's been a long while since I have had a chance to write and much has happened.  I don't even know where to start....

Husband:  Hmmm....  He's still the sweetest guy ever.  In fact just this morning (at 6:15 to be exact) he was up getting ready for work, and I was laying drowsily in bed when I suddenly remembered we were OUT OF COFFEE!!!  *gasp*  My worst nightmare!  He asked me "Are you upset?" and my, 6:15 in the morning on a Sunday response was, "Hell Yeah!  I'm pissed!"  I fell asleep and he went to work.  My son woke me up at about 8:30, and I stumbled down the stairs prepared for a coffee-less morning.  I walk into the kitchen to make breakfast for the kids, and there on the counter sat, a small can of coffee grounds and donuts for the boys.  That man ran into town, and got me coffee, before he had to go to work.  What a fricken sweet heart!  Anyways,  we are still broke, and still waiting for him to finish school.  On the upside the only thing he lacks in becoming a paramedic, is taking and passing his National Exam, which he takes this coming Wednesday, the 14th.  I am so damn ready, and excited for the next, not so struggling, chapter in our lives to begin, I could blow up!

Kiddos:  They are still smart, beautiful and healthy, thank the Lord.  My step daughter seems to be fast on her way to becoming a scientist.  Every time I talk to her she tells me about her awesome science projects she is working on in school.  My eldest son started Kindergarten and I am amazed everyday at how close he is to reading.  Every sign we pass on the road he is in the back seat, sounding out the word, "Gah rrr aaa nnn bah rrr eeee, Granbury Momma!"  And my youngest is still ornery and starting to talk well.  Just last week, he told me "Nigh-night Momma, wuv oo."  My cup runneth over.

My Sister:  Finally left her perpetually dull douche bag, found another man and has since moved here to Texas.  We have had little time to hang out, but I am eternally grateful she is finally here and happy :)
Myself:  I'm still me...  Being bitchy, hating on people, loving on my friends and family, and working.  I still don't get why some people are selfish and think of only themselves.  Why some people are fucking rude.  And why the worst people always have the best of luck.  My book is at an utter standstill, because I can not seem to find the time to work on it right now, with all the current craziness in my life.  I hope that all of the people who are also being affected by my husbands and myself current status of monetary stagnancy, My kids, wifey-in-law, mother, and other family and friends, bare with us with patience and understanding.  It will get better.  On a side note (as if I don't have enough on my plate already)  being that Shane will be done with his schooling and stuff, I am trying out for a local theatre company for the role of Miss. Hannigan from the play Annie.  Just for fun, trying to get my life back on track after the last year and a half of no fun-ness.  Wish me luck.

Anyhow, that's all I got for right now... And I'll be sure to hop on here the next time I have something to bitch about and of coarse the time....

A Shout Out to a New Favorite Author...

I will post another blog about life in general after this one, but I have had this one planned for a while, and just haven't had the time. 

I wanted to give a shout out to an author I have found, and fallen in love with (despite her sudden dislike of Ghirardelli Chocolates)  ;)    Heather Killough-Walden.

I get most of my reading material through my kindle because for me it's cheaper this way.  One day I had just finished reading another book and had nothing to move on to, when I saw an add on Facebook for e-books for only .99 cents.  Ok!  Don't start guys!  I am BROKE!!!  .99 cent books sounded right up my ally!

So, I go to the book store on my kindle and find these cheaper books.  I found the first book of a series (The Big Bad Wolf series) and I completely plowed through this book in a day and a half.  I loved it!  Twist and turns, just enough lovin' to make you smile, but not enough to make you feel like you have to hide the book from your husband....  Characters you fall in love with.  This book was everything I look for in a fiction/fantasy novel.

I then jumped back on my kindle, and being they were only .99, I bought every book she had written and published through Amazon.  I have since, read every book, and loved, every book.  Forever Neverland is kind of like a sequel to Peter Pan that is amazing and fresh with a totally new twist on the long loved fairy tale, The Redeemer takes a spin off of Jesus and Judas that will make your jaw drop and stay there through the whole book, and the Big Bad Wolf series is a much needed spin on werewolves and vampires.

Don't let the cheaper prices of her books fool you, she is new and she is amazing.  I am not the least bit afraid to put her in the same league as other authors you may know and love, like Sherrilyn Kenyon, Laurell K. Hamilton, and P.C. Cast.

If any of my readers have a taste for fantasy, love, action and drama all in the same book then check this lady, Heather Killough-Walden, out!  You won't regret it!

Her web site is:
She also has a Twitter and a Facebook account

List of novels on Amazon:

Big Bad Wolf Series
     The Heat
     The Strip
     The Spell
     The Hunt

Chosen Soul
     The Chosen Soul

Hell Bent
     Hell Bent

     Forever Neverland

The October Trilogy
     Sam I Am

Syndicate Novels

Books available in print:

Lost Angels
     Avenger's Angel

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Why Ladies? Why!?

You know, I'm a woman.  And I really do think we are the smarter, emotionally stronger, more caring sex...  But I am beginning to doubt that.... I'll make this short and to the point.

When did it become necessary to have a damn man in our lives to make it complete?  Why do we need the bullshit to feel complete?  Why, when we finally decide that we are unhappy in our marriages, do we stick it out and wallow in our self pity?

I just don't get it!

I don't get the necessity to have a man.  The "want to" sure, but the need?  I mean some of my favorite times were when I was single.  No one to answer to, clean up after, argue with...  I mean, sounds fabulous, right?

And what about when we realize we are unhappy in our marriage?  To me, this is a time to get a plan, get a fucking clue....  Don't go home and wallow...  Work more hours, save money, get your shit in order and then when the time is right LEAVE!  You are woman!  You are strong! And you damn well can be independent and successful!  Don't sit around waiting for him to change, or fix things.  It ain't gonna happen.  And another thing, you can bet your ass that if your husband wanted a divorce he would a) Cheat on you or b) Ask for a damn divorce and move the hell on!

Now, from personal experience, should this time still be hard? Yes.  Should you be sad? Yes.  It's an end to a (how ever long) relationship, but is it the end of your life... NO! It's just another chapter of your book finished.  When my last "break-up" began, I was devastated.  I cried everyday for three weeks.  But my ass went to work, put on a happy face and made money.  I had a child to raise and refused to let this ruin me and my boy.  I worked harder than ever and by the 4th week I had a plan, and confidence to survive.  I was going to get me a place and move the hell on.  I mourned, but I remained strong.  He was NOT going to bring me down.

I see so many women shut down.  Quit their jobs, stick out a shitty marriage, and be depressed...  It's awful.  Why quit your job?  You're gonna need money and stability!  Why stick it out?  Your going to be a better parent and person if your happy.  Why be depressed?  You're not dying.  Sadness, sure...  Depression?  He's not the only man on the planet who can treat you well or love you.  There are like 7 BILLION fish in the sea.

PLEASE ladies, wake the hell up!  You CAN survive with out him; you are beautiful, strong, and smart.  There are other men, there is money other than in his wallet, there is happiness outside of your front door.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

A comment back to a comment leaver and some more good news :)

This is my comment back to L.A. who left a comment on my "Lactating with Rage" blog:

Thank you for your impute ma'am.  First I can assure you that all of the things on here are real life and whether or not they have happened to me (which they have in one way or another) is of no relevance to this blog.  I post these because it is my way to vent...  about life, the government, and what ever else is upsetting me at that time.  I do write things about my wonderful family (husband and children), but for the most part this blog is to be passionate about something other than my babies.  I spend 24-7 with my kiddos and I can't very well sit them down and tell them about all the things that have bothered me that week.  I think if you have never felt passionate enough about something you bore witness to, to want to run to the rooftops and scream it to the world, than it is something you are truly lacking.  I am passionate about all things, big, small, good or bad.  I hope this blog gives people who can relate to my writing a smile or a laugh and some self assurance that there are other people out there who feel this way and are not afraid vocalize these feelings and opinions.  I let my kids know how much I love them everyday by my actions. My writing, however, is for me, my "therapy".  And if there is anyone out there who reads this and feels better about their day, then so be it....

Ok so there was my comment back, being that Blogger is being a butthole and wouldn't let me reply...  Now on to my good news

August 2nd, my husband will be done with school!  I am sooo proud of him and couldn't be more ready for the last year and a half to be over.  Hopefully if all goes well, he will be a state certified, working, paramedic around September 1st.  Admirable, I know...  Again my pride and love runneth over.

Let me explain a little about the last year.  Our 2010 tax return was, hear me when I write this, about 9 and a half times MORE income then we are currently bringing in.  Money isn't the most important thing to me, never has, never will be, but the strain of keeping up a household and children for the last year and a half with bits and crumbs is sometimes overwhelming.  To quote Silverchair, "you say that money isn't everything, but I'd like to see you live without it"  I am ready to be caught up on our bills, and have a little leeway financially. 

Now, let me not sound ungrateful.  My husband has worked his balls off as much as humanly possible, but unfortunately it's not quite enough.  He's currently working 2 (before he was working 3) jobs and going to school full time and still (barely) keeping us afloat. I will be forever grateful for his hard work and dedication.  I am a hair dresser and though the money can be good, I had to greatly reduce my hours (we can't afford day care any longer) which in turn greatly reduces my checks.  They weren't huge to begin with, but now I am only bringing home about half what I could make. It was hard and we struggled to keep on trucking (as a side note, to throw another quote in here, via my best friend, Shauna Marie, "I don't wanna hear your fucking broke!  I'm fucking broke mother fucker!") 

Well, we have almost made it.  The struggling, the stress, the jealousy (yes jealousy, you have no clue how hard it is to see EVERYONE get a vacation, or be able to afford something as small as a dinner out, when you are sooo damn broke) the pain of having to cancel things because we can't afford them, the embarrassment to have the water company come out and ask for a payment....  all that, is almost over, and I am almost giddy with anticipation.

I love you Shane Hebel and admire, your dedication and hard work...  Keep it up and all will be well and normal soon.  XOXO

Just a sound check...

Everytime I post something it kicks me off the site...  Don't want to write a 10,000 word blog if it isn't going to post right now....

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Lactating with RAGE

A list of things that piss me off

1.  People who think I owe them something. ***This doesn't include money.  You/I doooo owe money*** I don't owe anyone SHIT.  The only people I MIGHT owe, is Jesus, my parents and my body.  No exceptions.  I don't HAVE to talk to you.  I don't HAVE to clean your shit up.  I don't have to watch your kids.  I don't HAVE to help you in any way shape or form.  Granted, it may help my Karma to do these things here and there, and the likelihood is, is I would be happy to do so.  But don't expect it out of me.  AND on a side note...  NO ONE OWES anyone anything really.  Example: If your husband cheats on you and then you take him back, he doesn't OWE you a diamond ring.  YOU TOOK HIM BACK!!! 

2.  Take care of your kids!  If they are hungry and you only have enough money for cigarettes or food.  Buy the God Damned food!   Don't let your kids go to strangers houses.  Guess what?  No one thinks the person they left their kids with is a pedophile.  If your kid goes to school everyday and you see them just long enough to put them in bed, spend some time with them on the weekends.  They will remember that time even if you don't.  If your kid gets arrested for stealing.  Punish them.  Beat that ass.  Something!  Don't ask them what you can do to make their life better so they won't do something like this again.  Ask them if they want to live to see tomorrow and then put their asses to work until their hands bleed.  Tuck them in bed tell them you love them, then wake them up in the morning and have them do it all over again.

3.  Acknowledge you significant other when you know they have been putting their all into something.  If they have been working 12 hour days, and going to school another 4 hours and then only getting 5 hours of sleep, every day for a month.  Tell them you're proud and you love them.  Do NOT however, let them run all over you.  If they go to work for 12 hours, come home change and leave again, while you're stuck at home with the kids (unless this is by choice.  Some people don't mind this) and you haven't done anything but work and take care of your chillen's for the last 4 months.  Step up to the plate and tell them what for!

4.  When some one is talking, the occasional interruption is one thing, but do not interrupt EVERYTHING THAT COMES OUT OF MY MOUTH.  Rude ass mother fucker...  And also do not try to one up my shit.  If I'm telling a story to a group of people, do not INTERRUPT and THEN say, " Well, that ain't shit compared to when I...."  Note to you... I will ALWAYS be cooler biatches ;)

5.  When you use a dish in my house, A) rinse it the fuck off and B) put in the dishwasher two inches from my sink!

6.  This one is to the men of the world.  Shut the shower curtain when your are done in the tub.  THEN, if your not all upset about shutting the curtain, clean the fuckin shavings from your face, and the toothpaste you spit in the sink, down the damn drain.

7.Do NOT cut me off, and if you are 75 or older, OR driving a Buick either get out of my way, drive the speed limit (as we are in the left lane), or don't pull in front of me in the first DAMN PLACE!  This goes for you too Cadillac drivers. 

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