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Thursday, May 19, 2011

Jealous by Nature

I am jealous by nature.  It isn't something I developed over the years, I swear it was something I was born with.  I don't really love the fact that this is how I am, but I have come to accept it.  I think this jealousy is a spawn from several different emotions, but in the long run, it all turns to jealousy.

My very first memory of being jealous, I was 2 and a half years old.  It was July of '86 and my mother had just had my little sister.  My Grandparents took me to the hospital to meet Jessica, and I was NOT excited about meeting her at all.  We went into the room, and my sister was sitting on my dad's lap and my mother, looking exhausted, was sitting up in her bed.  I remember my dad smiling and my mother looking at me with excitement and anticipation.  My mother asked me "what I thought of my new sister" and I responded with, "I hate you."  Now, don't get me wrong, I loved my sister, AND my mother (they are now and always have been my best friends), but the jealousy I felt that day was so strong I remember it 25 year later!  I don't have the slightest idea why I was sooo jealous, I was instantly loving on my sister when she came home, but at that moment?  Ugh!

The older I get, the worse my jealousy gets.  Now, I am jealous of everything, though I think it comes from a different place than it used to.  I talked to my mom about these feeling, because makes me feel awful for feeling this way towards people (especially people who are my friends and loved ones), and she told me she knew exactly what I meant, but she didn't think it was jealousy ALL the time.  She thinks sometimes it is envy.  Let me explain her point of view.

If I see someone post something on facebook about them doing or getting something I want, I immediately feel "jealous".  I am happy for them, but there is this feeling in the pit of my stomach...  She says that, because I am happy for them, it can't be jealousy, it must be envy.  What do you think?

On the other hand when my husband and I are walking through the mall and the bitch standing in front of Rue 21 gives the stare down to my man and I get all fired up, that is jealousy.  Or if I find a woman texting my hubby and I ask, "who the fuck is this bitch?"  That is jealousy.  :)

So maybe, I am jealous, AND envious by nature.  No bueno.  This is something I desperately wish I could control (I always with think some level of jealousy is healthy).  Some days are worse than others, but if I could make it simmer down, I would let it, regardless.  I'm typing this, hoping to aleave my "bad" feelings, and get some of it off my back.

Now, I do have one example that is NOT jealousy.  To the hooker at Pete's Piano Bar who sat right in front of me and hit on my man all night.  A.  I had given him a kiss and turned to face the stage and she leaned over and said, "Is that your sister?"  REALLY BITCH?  B.  You are sooooo lucky that I wasn't drinking that night.  3 more Vodka Tonics and I would have been wiping the floor with your face! and C.  You UGLY!  Did you really think you had a chance?  Even AFTER finding out I was his wife.  Did I need to pee on his leg, or what!?!?  Anyhow, this, in my opinion is not jealousy...  This is a blend of two things.  You were being a rude, disrespectful skank to me and my husband AND our marriage, and second, It's territorialism.  That's my man, so step off....

Anyhow, I love myself and all my flaws.  The inability to be on time, jealousy, envy....  Ok, maybe that's all I can think of :) What I do know is I'm not perfect physically or mentally, but I am what I am.  And that just might mean, I'm Jealous by Nature :)

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